Schmuckaphobia

An Interview with C.B. Williams

Part 5: Schmuckaphobia September 21, 2024

Q: The future people in The Book of Beaux-eaux live between 7 and 10 thousand years from now. Do they have huge heads to contain their huge brains, as they are portrayed in the old Superman comic books?

A: Also in one of the Planet of the Apes sequels….I think…

Q: Oh yeah. Right.

A: No.

Q” No? Just no?

A: That’s right. Just no.

Q: Would you care to elaborate?

A: The big head thing would be a distraction from the more important aspects of the human future.

Q: Such as….

A: Such as we are the first and only species complex enough for self contemplation. The more complex the structure, the less likely it will exist. That explains why there is only one of us. But even though more than one of us is unlikely, it is not impossible. After all, in the past there were also Neanderthals right over in the next village. And in the future? Branching is how all of us got here. Branching is why there are a gazillion different life forms.

Q: Gazillion?

A: Yeah. Gazillion. Theoretically we may actually branch one day.

Q: I am thinking “ Slan,” by A.E. Van Vogt. And of course “X-Men.” In both of those the new human life form is persecuted by the old one.

A: Well that sort of thing is necessary to sell books and movies. But still, we are barking up the right tree. Then add Socrates, Jesus, Wycliffe, etc., all the real folks that the schmucks got to.

Q: The schmucks?

A: Yeah.,,,all those individuals on the left side of the moral spectrum…unless you are writing in Yiddish. Then the schmucks are on the right side.

Q: From low to high?

A: No. From earlier to later. It drives me crazy when I hear people wax all goom-ba-ya about how we are all one. The hell we are. We are not all one. We are two. We are each either closer to where we came from, red of tooth and claw, tolerant of plunder, pillage and rape, (except, of course, when the victims are members of our immediate family) or we are closer to where we are going.

Q: Where are we going?

A: Well that depends on who has the survival advantage. Do the righteous have a survival advantage over the schmucks? [Psalm 92 says yes, fyi] Or vice versa?

Q: We are not one. We are two. Interviewer and interviewee. I ask. You answer.

A: OK, wise guy. I will answer my question. On the one hand, as the saying goes, nice guys finish last. On the other hand we have to assume that the nice guys win in the end, and the other kind, for instance those on the Vladimir Putin level of evolution, will lose. Otherwise we stay depressed and drink ourselves to death, unless, of course, the wife says “Don’t you dare!” Then we say “Yes Dear,” and plug on ahead.

Q: So you assume that the nice guys win in the end. Then you must also assume that they have a survival advantage. What might that be?

A: Self contemplation.

Q: But all humans have that ability. Why is that an advantage for one or the other side in the….um…

A: Moral class warfare.

Q: If you say so.

A: I say so. So. It may be the case that all humans, regardless of their moral class, have the ability for self contemplation, but they may not have the will to self contemplate, not equally. Remember, there is no equality in the Biosphere, Darwinian variation and all that. Will, like everything else, is unequally distributed, just like brains, beauty, talent….

Q: I remember. Like the talent for playing the violin, the talent for playing the stock market, or the talent for turning heads on a beach while wearing a bikini.

A: HAHAHA! Good memory!

Q: So you think the schmucks lack the will to self contemplate?

A: It is all a matter of degree. Think mathematically. We may have a metaphor for this in our popular culture. Remember Dracula?

Q: I never met him personally.

A: Well he was said to have no reflection in a mirror. That may be our intuitive sense that individuals in the lowest moral class cannot stand the sight of themselves. So they do not look at themselves, not closely. If they do not look into the mirror….duh…there is no reflection.

Q: So they do not self contemplate. So what?

A: So any information that might be discovered by way of self contemplation is inaccessible to them. This is the information age. Information is power. More information is more power. Less information is less power.

Q: You once said that it puts people to sleep to tell them the truth. You must be telling me the truth because I am falling asleep.

A: I tell you what. Ever hear the one about the fly in the raisin bread?

Q: Heard it.

A: How about the priest and the nun on the golf course?

Q: Heard it.

A: How about this one: “In 1492 Christopher Columbus landed on Long Island and met Pocahontas. It was love at first sight.”

Q: Heard that one too.

The Biology of Jesus

An Interview with C.B. Williams part 3: The Biology of Jesus September 1, 2024

Q: The Book of Beaux-eaux has 2 alternating plots, one set in the present time and another set far in the future. So does that place it within the category of Science Fiction?

A: Some sci fi fans prefer to say “Speculative Fiction.” I am one of them.

Q: Alright; speculative fiction. What do you….uh….about what do you speculate?

A: The biology of Jesus, for one.

Q: The ….biology…. of…. Jesus??!!

A: Yeah, the dude who always treated others the way he wanted to be treated. Let’s call it righteousness….or tsedaka if you prefer biblical languages. That inclination is a personality trait, right? And personality has been scientifically shown to be present at birth. Therefore personality is a function of genes. Therefore righteousness is a function of genes, a natural born talent, just like the talent for playing the violin, the talent for playing the stock market and the talent for turning heads on a beach while wearing a bikini. Everything genetic is a product of evolution. Therefore Jesus was a product of evolution. Jesus was a biological phenomenon…maybe the harbinger of the primate future. We sure hope he was.

Q: I heard 3 “therefores.” Your character Sue Liza Miller is said to be the world’s most logical woman, if not the world’s ONLY logical woman, because her favorite word is “therefore.” Does she represent an aspect of your self?

A: All of my characters represent at least one aspect of myself.

Q: Even Barry “The Barracuda” Zimbalatti?

A: Well, the Barracuda is an organized criminal. I am not a criminal, but I sure wish I could get organized.

.Q: It is never too late to learn.

A: I beg to differ. It is too late.

Q: Some women might be offended by your suggestion that the fictional Sue Liza Miller is the world’s only logical woman.

A: Yeah, but I try to offend everybody equally. Equality is always good, right?

Q: I detect a facetious note there. Do you succeed in this effort?”

A: Of course not. There is no equality in the Biosphere. Darwin called this “Variation.” Variation drives evolution, past and future. Every trait has its own spectrum of variation. With the trait of Righteousness this spectrum might be said to run from beastly at one extreme of a bell curve to godly at the other extreme. We might reasonably speculate that Jesus was at one extreme and Hitler at the other. Let’s say Jesus was almost always righteous and Hitler was almost always unrighteous. And most everyone else is in the statistical hump of the great gray middle, able to swing both ways, depending on whatever is fashionable.

Q: Christians say Jesus was completely righteous.

A: Meh! If he only did one bad thing in his whole life, and nobody knew about it, that is good enough.

Q: Good enough for what?

A: For BREEDING!!! Wouldn’t you like it if there were 10,000 Jesuses around today? Wouldn’t you like for them to have lots and lots of children?!!! They could fill up whole neighborhoods where there is no crime because there are no criminals!

Q: Yeah…..sure….but you speculate that Hitler was…. almost…. always unrighteous. Why do you not say he was… always…. unrighteous? Most people would, except for, you know,… the psychopaths.

A: We know of at least one instance when he treated someone as he wanted to be treated.

Q: Who was this special individual?

A: His dog. He shot his dog and then he shot himself.

Q: You say you are not a criminal. Previously you have defined yourself as, let’s see, a more or less beatnik equals hipster equals jazz fan who smokes marijuana. If you smoke marijuana does that not make you a criminal in your state?

A: I have not smoked marijuana since April 1971.

Q: Then why did you include this in your self description?

A: It’s like a bird feeder. You put up a bird feeder to attract birds, right? I am a bird watcher. The bird watcher attitude sort of spills over into everything else. Among other things, I want to attract an agent from the DEA because I have never seen one. When he shows up I will add him to my life list. Whooping Crane. Great White Heron. Cape May Warbler. Narc.

Q: So let’s see….you are a bird watching, scat singing, more or less beatnik who tells lies for money. Have I got that right?

A: More or less.

An Interview with C.B. Williams part 4: Ground Zero National Park September 6, 2024

Q: Of all your beautiful lies, is there a favorite?

A: Maybe Ground Zero National Park.

Q: Again I detect a facetious note. Do you honestly believe the government would make a national park out of the site of its first nuclear attack?

A: You kidding me or what? The bomb made a really big hole in the ground. The hole filled up with water, just the way holes do. So now it’s a lake. A very beautiful lake. A lake attracts tourists. Tourists attract money. Etc.

Q: I get it. How many nuclear wars are in the Book of Beaux-eaux?

A: 5

Q: Why not 6? Why not 7?

A: The first 5 were a learning experience, I guess. We are a highly intelligent species. We learn quickly.

Q: As opposed to who?

A: How about gorillas? They might not be able to count nuclear wars at all. But a human says, “One little, two little, three little A-bombs, four little, five little…” and so on, until somebody sees a pattern and says “Hey! I see a pattern here!”

Q: And I see a pattern in your book. You seem to be obsessed with nuclear war. Isn’t that a little passe, since climate change has taken its place in the public hysteria dialogue?

A: Well, being told to hide from bombs underneath an elementary school desk can leave a lasting impression, I guess. And I spent a lot of my childhood drawing pictures of mushroom clouds. I thought they looked seriously cool. Kids today, poor little things, how can they draw a picture of a climate change?

Q: Uh….yeah. Now tell me about the plot line in the future. How did that come about?

A: Well it provides an explanation for the inaccuracies of the present, like, say, the baobab tree or Columbus and Pocahontas. Although I must add that they say a writer ought to write about what he knows. True, Columbus landed on an island, but the only island I know anything about is Long Island. Anyway, from the point of view of the future present, the present present is the past. And the further away the past present is from the future present, the more untruths accumulate. To a future present, Noah’s ark could hold 2 T-Rex and 40 days worth of Purina Dino-Chow. From Noah’s actual point of view, back in the past present, it might have been a rowboat with 2 chickens and a sack of scratch.

Q: Speaking of Noah’s ark, your novel frequently deals with religion as well as politics.

A: Oh yeah, and sex. Emily Post said polite people never discuss religion, politics or sex. So I try to include all 3, all interwoven, like basketry.

Q: The way you deal with sex seems to me rather tame, almost clinical. The most explicit passage I could find in The Book of Beaux-eaux may this quote from the your Church of Christian Family Values: “The sole purpose of a cheerleader is to prance about half nekkid and stir up the sinful urges of boys with the implicit promise of carnal reward for winning ball games.” I hardly find that titillating.

A: Well I did not say anything about trying to be titillating. I am actually like a little kid who first finds out where babies come from. He goes “EEEWWW! THAT’S DISGUSTING!” That’s me on the inside when it comes to the 3 letter word.

Q: The 3 letter word?

A: Yeah. It refers to 2 things. One of them is boys and the other is girls. I also have difficulty uttering the names of the parts of a fried chicken. Except for wings. Good thing I prefer wings. Otherwise I would have to point my finger and say “I’ll have that one.”

Q: Oy! And yet you have 2 children of your own…

A: Well, as Confucius said, “Shit happens.” This may be a poor choice of words.

Q: The Church of Christian Family Values plays a fairly minor role compared with the Universal Church of Neocynicism.

A: Oh yeah. Ten thousand years in the future, they rule the world. That is pretty major.

Q: How do they accomplish this major feat?

A: The cynics control humans subliminally, so that war becomes not only non-existent, but actually impossible, psychologically impossible. Guy gets up in the morning, eats his Wheaties, and says to his wife, “Well Dear, I’m off to the office to try once again to start a war.” She replies “Good luck, Darling! Don’t get all stressed out.” But by the end of the day no war has started. He is tired, goes home, and has a beer. Watches TV.

Q: When I hear the word subliminal, I think of the now illegal theater practice of splicing a photo of a cold Coca Cola into a movie in order to subliminally suggest to the viewers that they need to go to the refreshment counter and buy an overpriced drink. So do the cynics sneak messages like “WAR IS BAD!” flashing for a microsecond onto everybody’s computer screen?

A: Basically, yeah. But that is an oversimplified picture, of course. I mean, moral technology becomes very complex and sophisticated in the future, just like everything else.

Q: Moral technology??

A: Yeah….the arts and sciences by which the few trick the many into behaving selves. In the future moral technology replaces religion.

Q: Replace religion? Where do all the religions go?

A: Away. Haven’t you noticed they are vanishing faster than ever?

Q: Yeah, but your character Francis X. Pitcairn designs new religions as an art form.

A: Yeah, he notices that so far religiogenesis has been one-man-one-religion. Mohammed? One religion. Joseph Smith? One religion. Now L. Ron Hubbard, he’s the man. He set out to do it deliberately. And it worked. It made him a lot of money. But still he only designed one single religion in his whole life. Frankie Pitcairn tries to industrialize the process. I think he got up to about 5 per year. Then he sells them. Off the rack models with minor tailoring are cheapest. Custom jobs cost more.

Q: How do you sell a religion??

A: Copyright laws of course. As an art form he has legal title.

Q: As an art form, I assume he tries to make his artificial religions beautiful, right? Just like your beautiful lies?

A: Dude! You are quick!

Libertarian wacko

An interview with C.B. Williams part 2 August 28, 2024

Q: So tell me about why you first started writing lies.

A: It was 1991. The 500th anniversary of Columbus’ discovery of America was coming up. I knew a lot of predictable stuff was going to be said. Like Columbus was good because he brought civilization to America. Or Columbus was bad because he brought smallpox and genocide to America. All this predictability was annoying to me. I am an avant-gardist. It is my job to seek out the unpredictable and then do it.

Floating around in some obscure corner of my head was the opening line from “Catch 22.” This line somehow highly amused an old college roommate of mine. His name was Mark Reichelderfer. I found myself rewording it to “In 1492 Christopher Columbus landed on Long Island and met Pocahontas. It was love at first sight.” This lie somehow highly amused me. I compulsively started building a story around it, leading to more lies, branches of lies branching off again in different directions, meeting up and interacting with each other, thereby producing new lies, like babies.

So now? Now I still tell lies to make myself laugh. This has become a life and death matter ever since my wife died. Now I have to make myself laugh on a daily basis because it is better than the alternative. The alternative is I want to die.

Q: I am sorry for your loss.

A: Thanks.

Q: Speaking of death, you state in the very beginning of the book that it is a “Tale of sin and redemption in which the Republicans all die.” Is it then safe to assume that you are a Democrat?

A: Hell no!

Q: Ah. So you are a Republican?

A: Hell no! I am a Libertarian wacko.

Q: Oh! A third party! Those people who never win elections!

A: Precisely. Politicians lie to win elections. We Libertarian wackos never win elections, so lying is of no use to us while running for office. So we are free to run for office without telling any lies at all.

Q: And yet you do tell lies…to make yourself laugh in order to stop wanting to die….

A: I tell lies when writing fiction. I do not tell lies while doing politics. Politics and fiction are not the same thing.

Q: I will not touch that one with a 10 foot pole.

interview

An Interview With C.B. Williams August 16, 2024

Q: If I were to list the salient characteristics of your odd little novel, “The Book of Beaux-eaux,” I might place, at the top of the list “A pack of lies.” Would you agree? [Williams chuckles for several seconds, then laughs out loud] I do not mean to be insulting.

A: No offense! It is true! I mean….Christopher Columbus did not actually land on Long Island, fall in love with Pocahontas and start breeding Republicans. And the Negroes did not come to America by accidentally drifting across the ocean on a large baobab tree. Also World War III did not begin on September 11, 2001.

Q: Some people would disagree that your third example is an….untruth.

A: Oh. Yeah. Sometimes I disagree with myself about that one.

Q: [He chuckles again. From now on I will omit any mention of his chuckling. Mr. Williams is a very chuckly person] I am sure it has occurred to you that your readers will wonder why….you choose to write a pack of lies.

A: Yeah, well there is no simple answer. There is the why do I do it now answer and there is the why did I do it in the beginning answer.

Q: How about we start with the now answer.

A: Right. Ok. Um….It has occurred to me over the years….

Q: How many years?

A: 75 so far. It has occurred to me that Homo sapiens does not typically possess a passionate love of truth. But I suspect that they do, on the other hand, possess a passionate hatred of being lied to.YECCH! I HATE sentences that end with a preposition!!!

Q: I am quite ok with that….It is very normal.

A: The Germans do it better. I like the way the Germans do it. Churchill did not. And don’t get me started on the normality thing…

Q: [I take a deep breath and try to be patient with his rambling]

A: Where were we?

Q: Love and hate. True and false.

A: Right. Love and hate. Listen! If hatred is the only passion you have, then why not go with it? It’s honest, right? Better that passion than no passion at all, right?

Q: Right….[I am lying].

A: If you tell humans the truth they fall asleep. But if you tell them a lie, they wake up and say, “Hey! Wait a second, Buddy! That is not true!!!” with 3 exclamation points!!!

Q: Always? There is Hitler and his famous Big Lie Technique.

A: Ok. Ok. Not always. Matter of fact I suspect that our cultural climate has gotten so awash with lying that lying is now the norm. I never imagined that some day I might become normal. I long ago decided that normality was not one of my multiple choices.

Q: How long ago?

A: 17 years old. 1965.

Q: What was that like?

A: All my efforts at being a normal teenager failed miserably. But I heard that there was a whole world of abnormal people out there. So I set my sights on joining them.

Q: Where was this world of abnormal people?

A: Greenwich Village. They were called beatniks. My friend Harold showed me how to get there on the subway.

Q: So you became a beatnik?

A: More or less. A bop a doo bebop. A boobidy bibbidy bum. A bop a doo bebop. A boobidy beee

bee bum bee bum…

Q: What is that?

A: From “Twisted” by Wardell Gray. Beatnik equals hipster equals jazz fan who smokes marijuana.

Q: Reminds me of something Joni Mitchell did.

A: Yeah, she liked it too, me and Joni….about 25 years later…with those lyrics by Annie Ross added in.

Q: So you are a more or less beatnik who tells lies for money and scat sings?

A: Yeah, but I was an art major at Queens College. I try to tell finely crafted lies. The professors taught us how to make finely crafted pictures. I don’t want to let my lies just fly out of my mouth or my pen thoughtlessly. I want my lies to be beautiful. I want everything I do to be beautiful. The lies in our political culture are not beautiful. They are clumsy, clunky, without nuance or flair.

Q: So “The Book of Beaux-eaux” is a pack of finely crafted lies?

A: Well, I try. I keep getting better at it….I think…

this is a test

bring about the dominion of post man over man. together we can make a difference.

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Hello Doomed World

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THIS IS A CHANGE

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