An Interview with C.B. Williams part 3: The Biology of Jesus September 1, 2024
Q: The Book of Beaux-eaux has 2 alternating plots, one set in the present time and another set far in the future. So does that place it within the category of Science Fiction?
A: Some sci fi fans prefer to say “Speculative Fiction.” I am one of them.
Q: Alright; speculative fiction. What do you….uh….about what do you speculate?
A: The biology of Jesus, for one.
Q: The ….biology…. of…. Jesus??!!
A: Yeah, the dude who always treated others the way he wanted to be treated. Let’s call it righteousness….or tsedaka if you prefer biblical languages. That inclination is a personality trait, right? And personality has been scientifically shown to be present at birth. Therefore personality is a function of genes. Therefore righteousness is a function of genes, a natural born talent, just like the talent for playing the violin, the talent for playing the stock market and the talent for turning heads on a beach while wearing a bikini. Everything genetic is a product of evolution. Therefore Jesus was a product of evolution. Jesus was a biological phenomenon…maybe the harbinger of the primate future. We sure hope he was.
Q: I heard 3 “therefores.” Your character Sue Liza Miller is said to be the world’s most logical woman, if not the world’s ONLY logical woman, because her favorite word is “therefore.” Does she represent an aspect of your self?
A: All of my characters represent at least one aspect of myself.
Q: Even Barry “The Barracuda” Zimbalatti?
A: Well, the Barracuda is an organized criminal. I am not a criminal, but I sure wish I could get organized.
.Q: It is never too late to learn.
A: I beg to differ. It is too late.
Q: Some women might be offended by your suggestion that the fictional Sue Liza Miller is the world’s only logical woman.
A: Yeah, but I try to offend everybody equally. Equality is always good, right?
Q: I detect a facetious note there. Do you succeed in this effort?”
A: Of course not. There is no equality in the Biosphere. Darwin called this “Variation.” Variation drives evolution, past and future. Every trait has its own spectrum of variation. With the trait of Righteousness this spectrum might be said to run from beastly at one extreme of a bell curve to godly at the other extreme. We might reasonably speculate that Jesus was at one extreme and Hitler at the other. Let’s say Jesus was almost always righteous and Hitler was almost always unrighteous. And most everyone else is in the statistical hump of the great gray middle, able to swing both ways, depending on whatever is fashionable.
Q: Christians say Jesus was completely righteous.
A: Meh! If he only did one bad thing in his whole life, and nobody knew about it, that is good enough.
Q: Good enough for what?
A: For BREEDING!!! Wouldn’t you like it if there were 10,000 Jesuses around today? Wouldn’t you like for them to have lots and lots of children?!!! They could fill up whole neighborhoods where there is no crime because there are no criminals!
Q: Yeah…..sure….but you speculate that Hitler was…. almost…. always unrighteous. Why do you not say he was… always…. unrighteous? Most people would, except for, you know,… the psychopaths.
A: We know of at least one instance when he treated someone as he wanted to be treated.
Q: Who was this special individual?
A: His dog. He shot his dog and then he shot himself.
Q: You say you are not a criminal. Previously you have defined yourself as, let’s see, a more or less beatnik equals hipster equals jazz fan who smokes marijuana. If you smoke marijuana does that not make you a criminal in your state?
A: I have not smoked marijuana since April 1971.
Q: Then why did you include this in your self description?
A: It’s like a bird feeder. You put up a bird feeder to attract birds, right? I am a bird watcher. The bird watcher attitude sort of spills over into everything else. Among other things, I want to attract an agent from the DEA because I have never seen one. When he shows up I will add him to my life list. Whooping Crane. Great White Heron. Cape May Warbler. Narc.
Q: So let’s see….you are a bird watching, scat singing, more or less beatnik who tells lies for money. Have I got that right?
A: More or less.
An Interview with C.B. Williams part 4: Ground Zero National Park September 6, 2024
Q: Of all your beautiful lies, is there a favorite?
A: Maybe Ground Zero National Park.
Q: Again I detect a facetious note. Do you honestly believe the government would make a national park out of the site of its first nuclear attack?
A: You kidding me or what? The bomb made a really big hole in the ground. The hole filled up with water, just the way holes do. So now it’s a lake. A very beautiful lake. A lake attracts tourists. Tourists attract money. Etc.
Q: I get it. How many nuclear wars are in the Book of Beaux-eaux?
A: 5
Q: Why not 6? Why not 7?
A: The first 5 were a learning experience, I guess. We are a highly intelligent species. We learn quickly.
Q: As opposed to who?
A: How about gorillas? They might not be able to count nuclear wars at all. But a human says, “One little, two little, three little A-bombs, four little, five little…” and so on, until somebody sees a pattern and says “Hey! I see a pattern here!”
Q: And I see a pattern in your book. You seem to be obsessed with nuclear war. Isn’t that a little passe, since climate change has taken its place in the public hysteria dialogue?
A: Well, being told to hide from bombs underneath an elementary school desk can leave a lasting impression, I guess. And I spent a lot of my childhood drawing pictures of mushroom clouds. I thought they looked seriously cool. Kids today, poor little things, how can they draw a picture of a climate change?
Q: Uh….yeah. Now tell me about the plot line in the future. How did that come about?
A: Well it provides an explanation for the inaccuracies of the present, like, say, the baobab tree or Columbus and Pocahontas. Although I must add that they say a writer ought to write about what he knows. True, Columbus landed on an island, but the only island I know anything about is Long Island. Anyway, from the point of view of the future present, the present present is the past. And the further away the past present is from the future present, the more untruths accumulate. To a future present, Noah’s ark could hold 2 T-Rex and 40 days worth of Purina Dino-Chow. From Noah’s actual point of view, back in the past present, it might have been a rowboat with 2 chickens and a sack of scratch.
Q: Speaking of Noah’s ark, your novel frequently deals with religion as well as politics.
A: Oh yeah, and sex. Emily Post said polite people never discuss religion, politics or sex. So I try to include all 3, all interwoven, like basketry.
Q: The way you deal with sex seems to me rather tame, almost clinical. The most explicit passage I could find in The Book of Beaux-eaux may this quote from the your Church of Christian Family Values: “The sole purpose of a cheerleader is to prance about half nekkid and stir up the sinful urges of boys with the implicit promise of carnal reward for winning ball games.” I hardly find that titillating.
A: Well I did not say anything about trying to be titillating. I am actually like a little kid who first finds out where babies come from. He goes “EEEWWW! THAT’S DISGUSTING!” That’s me on the inside when it comes to the 3 letter word.
Q: The 3 letter word?
A: Yeah. It refers to 2 things. One of them is boys and the other is girls. I also have difficulty uttering the names of the parts of a fried chicken. Except for wings. Good thing I prefer wings. Otherwise I would have to point my finger and say “I’ll have that one.”
Q: Oy! And yet you have 2 children of your own…
A: Well, as Confucius said, “Shit happens.” This may be a poor choice of words.
Q: The Church of Christian Family Values plays a fairly minor role compared with the Universal Church of Neocynicism.
A: Oh yeah. Ten thousand years in the future, they rule the world. That is pretty major.
Q: How do they accomplish this major feat?
A: The cynics control humans subliminally, so that war becomes not only non-existent, but actually impossible, psychologically impossible. Guy gets up in the morning, eats his Wheaties, and says to his wife, “Well Dear, I’m off to the office to try once again to start a war.” She replies “Good luck, Darling! Don’t get all stressed out.” But by the end of the day no war has started. He is tired, goes home, and has a beer. Watches TV.
Q: When I hear the word subliminal, I think of the now illegal theater practice of splicing a photo of a cold Coca Cola into a movie in order to subliminally suggest to the viewers that they need to go to the refreshment counter and buy an overpriced drink. So do the cynics sneak messages like “WAR IS BAD!” flashing for a microsecond onto everybody’s computer screen?
A: Basically, yeah. But that is an oversimplified picture, of course. I mean, moral technology becomes very complex and sophisticated in the future, just like everything else.
Q: Moral technology??
A: Yeah….the arts and sciences by which the few trick the many into behaving selves. In the future moral technology replaces religion.
Q: Replace religion? Where do all the religions go?
A: Away. Haven’t you noticed they are vanishing faster than ever?
Q: Yeah, but your character Francis X. Pitcairn designs new religions as an art form.
A: Yeah, he notices that so far religiogenesis has been one-man-one-religion. Mohammed? One religion. Joseph Smith? One religion. Now L. Ron Hubbard, he’s the man. He set out to do it deliberately. And it worked. It made him a lot of money. But still he only designed one single religion in his whole life. Frankie Pitcairn tries to industrialize the process. I think he got up to about 5 per year. Then he sells them. Off the rack models with minor tailoring are cheapest. Custom jobs cost more.
Q: How do you sell a religion??
A: Copyright laws of course. As an art form he has legal title.
Q: As an art form, I assume he tries to make his artificial religions beautiful, right? Just like your beautiful lies?
A: Dude! You are quick!